Lesson 73 "I will there be light."

It's funny how occasionally I am being prepared for the Lesson, even before I open the Course.

Today's pre lesson awareness was:

I, or at least my ego, want to be angry. If there is a good, rock solid reason, all the better. And what better reason than being a victim!

When I got angry yesterday, it felt very "righteous." For a little while I felt glad to be angry. But then a teeny little thought sidled in from left field..It said, before I could stop it:
" What if there has always been this bit of you, lurking, mostly hidden, that is looking for situations to justify being angry? What if the reality is that that bit just is angry, with or without a reason? but it's so much better to have a good reason for it! If that is the case then why would you then ever create a truly loving, joyful situation?"  "It", who might have been the Holy Spirit for all I know, said all that in about the blink of an eye.  Oh, oh, oh!

 Not a comfortable thought to begin with, but it rang true. One aspect of being a victim is how much justified anger one can feel! Endless amounts! And the current situation at work feels a bit like the situation I was in a few years ago, when I had a violent friend/lodger. My anger was totally justified, in terms of day to day living. Once it became just a bit too painful, I ended it.

I'm the common factor. I created these situations.....because I need good excuses to feel anger? OOoh  dear. I felt...busted, but in a loving way. Someone really knows me!

So then I read the lesson. It was like having a loudspeaker underlining the truth.  Powerful words:
"Idle wishes or grievances are partners or co-makers in  picturing the world you see.
The wishes of the ego gave rise to it, and the ego's need for grievances, which are necessary to maintain it, peoples it with figures that seem to attack you and call for "righteous" judgement.
These figures become the middlemen the ego employs to traffic in grievances.....
Your will is lost to you in this strange bartering, in which guilt is traded back and forth, and grievances increase with each exchange....
We have repeatedly emphasized that the barrier of grievances is easily passed..."

So perhaps it is not true that "having it out with someone" is a really a good idea! I had that experience yesterday. The discussion became quite heated as we did a grown up version of name calling. After a small initial surge of power I felt small, helpless and guilty.

Later I pondered on the fact that my "middleman" on this occasion was a woman, and my boss.
I am literally employing my employer to "traffic in grievances." And I remember thinking I'd rather have my job, than hers, because it's better to be a victim than a victimizer. I really chose this situation.

 I was, once upon a time, an angry child who did not dare to express her rage and who experienced a particular response of control and disapproval from her mother when she tried. Have I really not dealt with this, not forgiven my mother? I know that at quite an early age, say 10, I formed a shield with my will, saying to myself, I will not let her "in" again, because she does not understand or respect me. That shield has remained in place ever since. Maybe now it's time to drop it?

 In ACIM terms, I made a decision at that time to distance myself from my mother. My mother was my first and main "middleman." We learn about anger and forgiveness in those relationships, more or less!

 My anger towards my mother took the form of making that "shield". I wanted to keep her out of my inner sanctum. And I succeeded. But there is a price to pay, in guilt and in being shut out of that inner sanctum too!  It was a grievance that became like a foundation stone of the "barrier of grievances".

Today's lesson aims at helping us get beyond the barrier.There is a very comforting line:

"No idle wishes can detain us, nor deceive us with an illusion of strength."

However the barrier of grievances can seem like very strong illusion, all the more for being "righteous."

 In the Text 15: VII 4,5 there is another description of the process.
"The ego wishes no one well.Yet its survival depends on your belief that you are exempt from its evil intentions. It counsels therefore, that if you are host to it, it will enable you to direct its anger outward, thus protecting you. And thus it embarks on an endless, unrewarding chain of special relationships, forged out of anger and dedicated to but one insane belief: that the more anger you invest outside yourself, the safer you become.
It is this chain that binds the Son of God to guilt, and it is this chain the Holy Spirit would remove from his holy mind. For the chain of savagery belongs not around the chosen host of God, who cannot make himself host to the ego."

Fundamentally this "chain of savagery" is not real, because it is not of God.

However real it may feel in the mind and the emotions, it is an illusion. It might be a very strong illusion, but  in the light of truth, it will dissolve into nothingness. I only have to be willing, to let go, to forgive....to want to see the truth rather than cherish my illusions.Which do I choose?

Light, or illusion? That's the challenge, that choice. Then can be the miracle... Yes, I will there be light.

I received some gifts today which I do appreciate...the sharing of a talk by Lisa Natoli of http://gorgeousforgod.com/ It is a beautiful expression of loving, looking beyond the grievance to the beauty of the Beloved who is within everyone. No matter what the appearance. We don't have to figure it out or wait till they change, just love them. Mothers and all!

Blessings to all who are in pain or remembering pain of whatever kind. Let's let the grievances go.

From "We Can See the Truth In Your Eyes."

Why are you so enchanted by this world
when a mine of gold lies within you?
Open your eyes and come-
Return to the root of the root
of your own soul.

You were born from the rays of God’s Majesty
when the stars were in their perfect place.
How long will you suffer from the blows
of a nonexistent hand?
So come, return to the root of the root
of your own soul.

You are a ruby encased in granite.
How long will you deceive Us with this outer show?
O friend, We can see the truth in your eyes!
So come, return to the root of the root
of your own soul.     Rumi 

See the whole poem!